Confidence

For most of my life, I wouldn't have described myself as under-confident. I was rarely the most visibly confident person in a room, but I was always still pretty quietly confident. I travelled around the world solo meeting new people all the time, I sky-dived, I went on a shark dive, and I once even did 3 bungee jumps in one day - hardly the actions of an underconfident person. I was ambitious too, often applying for the next step up at a new company once I'd mastered (and got bored of) the role I was in.

However, in later years my confidence took a bit of a nosedive (for me, like many others, this coincided with having kids).

At work, my wavering confidence levels sometimes led me to avoid difficult conversations that needed to be had or not push back as much as I needed to, even when I was sure I had every right to.

It also stopped me from showing up fully in ways which could have further benefited my career. Speaking opportunities, networking, presentations - I’m not proud to admit that at times I shied away, despite doing similar things comfortably in the past. I was apprehensive about speaking at public events in case I stumbled on my words or forgot what I was meant to be saying (not helped by a heavy dose of brain fog caused by a huge mental load as a mum of two, but that’s a whole other blog post!).

Perhaps ironically, I was also often hesitant to post too much on social media in case I somehow got it wrong and was publicly called out or cancelled (something I still have to chat with myself about daily!)

I knew objectively that I was a smart, capable, and well-liked human who had done many difficult things before. So why on earth didn't I feel more confident? Since taking some time out earlier this year to train as a coach, it’s a question I’ve been reflecting on more and more.

I initially suspected it might be largely down to my slightly introverted nature - a trait others are often surprised by. I also happen to have a hidden hearing impairment, which means that in noisy offices I sometimes don't quite catch everything someone has said and feel embarrassed to ask them to repeat themselves.

But over time I’ve realised that actually, the biggest thing holding me back was fear.

More specifically, fear of being judged, fear of getting it wrong: a fear of failure.

Reflecting on my life, I think that for many years this fear of failure acted as a powerful motivator for me to ensure that I absolutely could not fail. Cue jobs that involved lots of pressure, plate spinning and being driven by multiple deadlines (often last minute!).

However, over time, fear became more prominent and detrimental, leading to greater uncertainty in decision-making, procrastination, and avoidance.

And I'm not the only one - this fear is common and in extreme cases, it even has its own label: Atychiphobia.

Studies suggest that much of our confidence stems from our ability to predict outcomes. Did my wavering confidence stem from a prediction of something failing? If I had predicted success as the outcome, would I have still felt so anxious about it?

Our brains are also brilliant at making our fears seem worse than they probably are, often growing them to be bigger and more daunting than they actually are (as anyone who has experienced the nighttime sudden wake-up scaries at 3 a.m. can confirm). If we can’t override this fear, it can lead to procrastination, avoidance, and, as a result, inaction.

At times, I was able to override the fear Susan Jeffers stylee - "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

But often, the fear felt debilitating and un-overridable and led to me just retreating to my comfort zone again.

What I wish I’d known earlier is that, with the right support, the fear is often not un-overridable and is in fact usually totally surmountable.

Most things are possible if we believe they are, in fact, possible.

Through my own journey to be a coach, I’ve learned the power that visualisations, reframing our own internal narratives, and setting achievable goals can have on our levels of confidence. Taking action (however small) reduces fear - the longer we procrastinate or avoid, the greater the fear becomes.

Letting go of unrealistic standards, learning to accept mistakes, and embracing the idea of "good enough" also helps. Perfectionism only increases anxiety and limits progress.

Authenticity also breeds confidence - the more we align our actions and goals with our authentic selves, the more confidence we’ll develop as a result. This is why it's so important to work in a company that is in alignment with your own personal values.

It's okay - in-fact, it's normal - to be afraid; fear is a natural part of life. But it’s not okay to never put yourself in situations that feel scary. That's the only way we can learn and grow after all.

Susan was right all along—it’s about feeling the fear, taking a deep breath and DOING IT ANYWAY!

So here I am, taking action, writing my first-ever blog post 😱

If you want to discuss how coaching can help you with your confidence, feelings of imposter syndrome, and moving from paralysis to ACTION, please book a call to see how we can work together. 👋